know it doesn't sound fair or politically correct, but married men and women simply cannot be friends with the opposite sex. It's not impossible; it's impractical. I'm sure that somewhere out there at least one person has managed to pull it off, but it can be pretty risky, and given all of the other obstacles your marriage has to face, why add the temptation of friendship with the opposite sex?
Nothing is wrong with married people wanting opposite-sex friends. But ask yourself, can you handle the responsibility that comes with the relationship? We always believe we can handle the temptation until we discover that we can't.
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Married people have to take responsibility for protecting their marriage. You have to use every defense mechanism you have to keep your marriage out of harm's way. Infidelity can ruin a marriage, so if avoiding opposite-sex friendships is the cost of staying happily married, then say hello to your same-sex friends! It doesn't mean that you will never interact with the opposite sex. You will chitchat with your work buddy and have fun when a group of your friends are out together at a bar or dinner. But it does mean that you won't go with your single friend to dinner and a movie, or spend hours on the phone talking about each other's relationship problems.
Sometimes we aren't as strong as we need to be, which is how infidelity starts. If you know that you may be tempted by a relationship outside your marriage, or that you have an ego that you need to constantly feed with attention from the opposite sex, then you can probably guess that if your "friend" is right there willing and able, you might not resist.
Now, think about your friends' needs for a moment. Remember, opposite-sex friends can get lonely, so you never know what someone else's agenda might be. Maybe they need a partner and they figure from watching you that you are the one for them. Maybe they don't have anyone else to be close to, so they lean more on you than they should. Maybe they are just looking for a friend with benefits.
Of course marriage should mean that nothing will happen between two friends, but so many affairs start with two people who thought they were just going to be friends. They think that all they're doing is having innocent little phone conversations--that as long as they're not having sex, everything is fine. It is ... until it's not. Rarely are men and women friends without some form of attraction to each other that they usually consider and sometimes act upon.
What happens to the opposite-sex friends you had before you got married? They get managed and rearranged just like the rest of your life. When you get married, you realize that there are many changes and sacrifices that you have to make in the interest of keeping a happy home. Managing your friends doesn't mean cutting them off cold turkey. It just means making sure that you balance the relationship with your marriage and that you don't do anything with that person that you wouldn't want your spouse to see, hear or know. If you need to deceive your spouse, you've overstepped the boundaries of friendship. People who don't have relationships with both of you have to be moved to the sidelines, or they're likely to cause problems in your relationship.
There really isn't much that you can get from your friend of the opposite sex that you can't get from your spouse or your same-sex friend. So is what you stand to gain worth more than what you stand to lose? Success in life is about choices, so if you're going to choose marriage, keep your eyes on the prize (your spouse!).
Dr. Michelle Callahan is a life coach and psychologist who's worked with clients for over 10 years and has appeared as a relationship expert on several national TV shows, including Oprah.
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